One year ago today, I watched you take your last breath. April 7, 2018 was a day that forever changed my life. I woke up this morning in our home, in your bed, in tears. Although tears are streaming down my face as I write, they aren’t sad tears. Momma, I recognize that they are tears of joy. Psalm 126:5 (KJV) says “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.” I have sown countless tears of sorrow, anger and frustration over the past year. But today, I woke up in such a state of peace.
Today, I am rejoicing and thanking God for healing! God has kept me!! He has kept my mind!! There were points along the journey when I felt like grief was going to take me out. Days when she kept me confined to the bed wallowing in sorrow. Days when I could barely function because of the weight of her. Days when I longed to walk in the house and see you sitting on the sofa watching your favorite shows. Days when I reached for the phone to call you, only to realize that you are no longer here.
But today is not one of those days. Why?? I’m glad you asked. Let me explain. Over the past year, I learned to surrender to grief. I learned to let her have her way and do what she came to do. I learned that I had a choice. I literally had two choices:
- I could open myself up to the healing process, do the soul work (i.e., counseling , journaling, attending REAL Women, learning to manage my thoughts, etc.) that is necessary and not suffer for the rest of my life; or
- I could resist and fight the healing process, numb my pain with my drug(s) of choice (i.e., food, withdrawal from people, suppression of feelings, etc.), and suffer for the rest of my life.
I chose to do #1. And because of that intentional choice, I am not suffering today. Momma, I am settled in the fact that you are good. You are no longer suffering. You are no longer tired. You ran your race and you did it well. Yes, I miss you!!! But because I am settled on those facts; it is well with my soul. So today, here I stand! One year later! By the grace of God, I am completely transformed from the inside out because I am focusing on truth and chose to open up to and not fight the healing process.
Momma! Do you hear me?!? I am completely transformed! Completely!! I have grown exponentially! The last 365 days have been a roller coaster ride; but I wouldn’t change a thing.
The woman I am today was birthed through the pain of the healing process. Today, I am a woman who loves deep. A catalyst for change in the lives of those to whom I speak. A woman who is authentic, beautiful and peace. Perfectly imperfect but one who is learning from every broken piece. A woman who is light. One who is blessed with the gift to understand someone’s plight. A warrior… one who’s not going down without a fight.
Momma…the loss of you helped me meet ME. And because of that, today….365 days later…I can declare that I am FREE. I am ME and I am at PEACE.